Humouring Your Relationships

By David Granirer

The brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative than to positive stimuli, according to studies conducted by John Cacioppo, Ph.D., previously at Ohio State University, now at the University of Chicago.

He found that when people viewed pictures certain to stir up negative feelings (a mutilated face or dead cat) there was a greater surge in their brain’s electrical activity than when they viewed pictures that aroused positive feelings.

This negative bias in our brains isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It probably evolved to protect us from harm. Over-accentuating threats to our physical and emotional well-being is the brain’s way of trying to make sure we notice and respond to them.

But it can create problems in our relationships. For example, we’re far more likely to remember a time when our partner insulted us than a time he or she complimented us. This means that if you spend 50% of the time arguing and 50% interacting positively, your relationship probably won’t work, since the arguments will have a proportionally greater effect on you than the positive interactions.

As a matter of fact, researchers found that marriages were likely to be stable over time only if there was five times as much positive interaction between partners as there was negative.

Couples headed for divorce were those who didn’t have this five-to-one ratio and were doing far too little on the positive side to address the brain’s negative bias.

And what constitutes positive interaction? Rather than big splashy things like giving someone a surprise party, it seems to be small positive acts of humour that matter most.

My definition of an act of humour is: “Acts involving surprise that create good feelings.” Acts of humour can include things like giving an unexpected compliment, a smile, or a hug. People on the receiving end think, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that,” and they feel good. If you carry out acts of humour five times as often as you argue, chances are good that your relationship will go the distance.

And remember, this five-to-one ratio applies to all your other relationships with friends, family, workmates, etc. Obviously you can’t change other people, and some relationships may be beyond repair. But the five to one ratio is the key for maintaining the ones that have potential. 

David Granirer gives Laughter in the Workplace presentations, helping hundreds of organizations thr­­ou­gh­out North America reduce stress, increase wellness and cope with change. For more information call (604) 205-9242 or visit www.psychocomic.com.