8 Steps to Being a Better Listener

Author: Joe Takash

Listening is not a passive activity. By being a passive hearer, you may take in some words but give nothing back. Listening requires thought and effort. It means you must work at listening with your head and heart and not just your ears. And it means learning how to respond to what is being said so that those people doing the talking know that they have been heard.

1. Practice silence
Remaining quiet can be a challenge. You’re going to feel compelled to interrupt, to finish sentences and to add two cents to the conversation. It takes discipline to remain silent. Make a conscious effort to say nothing until you’re sure your relationship partner has finished his or her thought. This is easier written than done. Therefore, try practising it at home before you do it at work. With a spouse or a friend, force yourself to stay silent during a conversation until the speaker finishes. In many ways, it’s more difficult to do this with someone you know well, since conversations are often filled with frequent interruptions by both parties. By practising silence in a personal relationship, though, you learn the discipline of knowing when to be silent in a professional one.

2. Use the “repeat principle”
Paraphrase what you believe is being said. For instance: “If I’m hearing correctly, you’re telling me that...” By asking your relationship partner to repeat what you believe is an important point, you’re demonstrating that you want to listen better. Requesting clarification communicates your desire to know exactly what is meant. But, don’t over-use this technique. If you do, you’ll come off as inattentive or hard-of-hearing. Wait until you really aren’t clear on what is being said. Or wait until the other person says something with a lot of emphasis—either through tone of voice or says, “This is important.” This provides the opening to apply the repeat principle.

3. Focus your attention
No daydreaming or dwelling on how you’re going to respond or tune out the other person. Giving your boss or customer your undivided attention is just that—a gift. Reflect on what is being said—consider the literal meaning and the intent. Don’t allow a conversation going on outside the office, or a ringing phone distract you. People are remarkably sensitive to another individual’s attention—or lack thereof. They can tell if you’re only listening at 50%. Give them 100% if you value the relationship and the results it can produce.

4. Eliminate distractions
Shut the door, turn off the cell phone, don’t glance at the computer for email. If your relationship partner has communicated that the meeting is important, clear your schedule and tell that person that he or she has all time needed to make his or her points. Similarly, don’t bring up tangential or unrelated topics. You want the other person to feel you’ve done everything to make 100% listening possible.

5. Show non-verbal attentiveness
Messages are communicated without opening our mouth. It’s not enough just to listen attentively; you need to demonstrate this attentiveness. Three easy ways to do so are to nod, make eye contact, or smile. Shifting uneasily in your seat or glancing around as if you’re waiting for the police to arrest you are not ways to communicate your attentiveness. Impassive, immobile listeners seem bored. Use eyes and body language to convey that you’re present.

6. Listen with the selfless attitude of a saint
To be a superior listener, you must temporarily forsake ego. To reap the full relationship benefits of being a good listener, you’re going to have to stop thinking about you. Obviously, you do have an ego and you can’t disappear entirely, nor should you. But being able to do so at key times in a conversation will increase your value to another.

7. Empathize
Empathy is essential for results-producing relationships, and it’s especially crucial in listening. You have 101 ways to communicate your empathy, not all of them verbal. A knowing look, a nod of your head, a sigh—these gestures can communicate you “get it” faster and more emphatically than a long-winded speech. Don’t try to over-empathize. Sometimes, empathy can be expressed by relating your own experience relative to what your relationship partner has described. Sometimes, a simple, “Believe me, I know what you’re going through with Jim”, will get the job done. Empathy really is nothing more than showing you have listened with your heart as well as your head.

8. Ask good questions
Have you ever been in an audience when the speaker asks, “Does anyone have any questions?” and no one responds? It’s as if the speaker never spoke at all. If you don’t ask any questions during a conversation—or just ask perfunctory questions—you’re going to create the same effect. So don’t be shy about asking a few good questions. Even one good question may be enough to show intent listening.

Have you ever listened to a press conference? Typically, a politician or pro sports coach is asked a bunch of inane questions, and then one member of the media asks the question that really sheds light on a situation. You want to ask that good question. Maybe your boss has expressed a challenge with his or her superior, like not knowing how to deal with unreasonable requests. So a good question to ask might be: “Can you talk to the CEO or a senior executive and request assistance?” A good question demonstrates you’ve followed the logic of the conversation and that you are thinking about possible solutions or actions. That is the mark of a perceptive listener.

Joe Takash is the author of the newly released, Results Through Relationships: Building Trust, Performance and Profit Through People, as well as a sought-after media resource and keynote speaker. As the founder of performance management firm Victory Consulting, Joe has worked with clients like American Express, Prudential, Century 21 and General Motors.

Article published in Your Workplace magazine issue 11-4