Nourishing Attachments to Loved Ones

Why you should and how to do it

By Susan Prosser

Our culture worships and pro­motes achievement, money, beauty, material possessions and all forms of competition. While these things can be interesting and fun, they do not bring sustained fulfillment. The moment our team scores, we get a bonus and buy that car or outfit and we get a rush of endorphins into our brain. We like this feeling and want more of it.

Conversely, attachment to loved ones is more of a challenge to sustain. We try to be loving to our partners, but being loving when we are stressed and not feeling love does not come naturally to most of us. We love our children, but when they misbehave our frustration can take over. Loving behaviours may be challenging to master, but finding ways to open our hearts, even in difficult times, benefits us and our loved ones. Love is the one thing a human being needs for inner peace and brain stability. When we have stable, meaningful attachments to our loved ones, the benefits are immediate and long term. We are more resilient to stress, less prone to destabilizing anxiety and depression, biologically healthier and we live longer. A new pair of shoes or a job promotion just won’t do that for us.

Increasing Attachment with Loved Ones
Let me explain a little bit about how the brain is affected by our ability to be intimate. There are three main parts of the brain: the thinking brain, the feeling brain and the old brain. The thinking brain is what our culture values most highly, as it enables us to reason and analyze. The old brain regulates body function and the fight/flight response. The feeling brain has been degraded as warm and fuzzy and therefore not worthy of attention. Recent brain research demonstrates that without attention to the feeling or limbic brain, we cannot survive as individuals, nor can we survive as a culture. Our feeling brain is what regulates our entire being and it actually affects the brains of those around us.

Healthy attachments create was is called limbic regulation in our brains. The limbic system is in charge of emotional regulation. When we are tuned into the limbic system of our partners, children and friends, we actually change their brain functioning. Your limbic system affects my limbic system. If you love me, want the best for me and take time to know me to the depths of my being, you have the capacity to improve my physical, emotional and psychological health.

In a book focused on the latest brain research and relationships, A General Theory of Love, the authors (a team of psychiatrists) point out that time is the most important underpinning of healthy relationships. The authors are clear about setting priorities “...the skill of becoming attuned to one another’s emotional rhythms requires a solid investment of time... our busy lifestyle makes us feel like everything is urgent, but such an existence is too expensive to bear. When launching a life raft, one would not toss food overboard and keep the deck furniture. If somebody must jettison a part of life, time with a mate should be the last on the list. We need that connection to survive.” Time to a relationship is like oxygen to the cells.

Creating Time with Your Partner
My suggestion to couples who seek my counsel is to start by spending 15 minutes per day together. Inevitably they return to my office convinced that they just couldn’t find that time. As a culture we have not yet understood that without time, the quality of relationship we want and need won’t happen.

Consider these options to enrich your couple relationship:

• Go to bed at the same time
• Do the dishes/lunches together
• Hold hands when watching television
• Call each other during the day just to say hi
• Find several things you are grateful for and express them
• Spend 15 minutes every day chatting about your dreams and ideas
• Shower together
• Find a hobby or joint activity and commit to it
• Go on a date once a week
• Do favours for each other
• Leave voice or email messages
• Buy little gifts just to let the other person know you are thinking of him or her
• Hug at least six times per day for six seconds.

When someone wants to spend time with me, I know that I bring meaning to his or her life. That is a powerful message and it makes a difference in how we treat others and how they treat us. It is within our power to improve our relationships–it takes conscious effort and a reorganizing of priorities. It is a balancing act that we must address in order to have healthy, loving and enriching relationships.

Susan Prosser offers counselling and conducts workshops and courses at the Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Group, Inc. in Ottawa. The holistic approach of the Centre is congruent with Susan’s approach to working with people. Email: info@adleriancentre.com.

Article originally published in Your Workplace magazine issue 11-5