Cool Dads and the Women Who Love Them

In the past 15 years, there has been a sea change in how we define a “good father.” Dads today are expected to be involved in their kids’ lives in a way fathers have never been before. It’s no longer unusual to see men holding babies in a front carrier, changing a diaper, or at story hour. The National Center for Fathering found that between 1999 and 2008, there were major increases in the percentage of dads who take their children to school, attend class events, help their kids with extracurricular activities, and attend parent-teacher conferences. This shift toward involved fatherhood didn’t happen because men woke up one day and decided we needed more diaper changing stations in men’s bathrooms. As women have moved into the workforce, many dads–some by choice, others by necessity–have begun to be more active at home. While the average dad is doing far more than his father, time-use studies have found that moms–working or not - still do about 70% of the housework and childcare. 4 Practical Things Moms Can Encourage Dads To Do: Be the bridge between your own father and your children. Modern dads must sort through their family legacy, particularly the relationship with own dad, to determine the gifts they want to pass on to their own children, as well as the liabilities they must watch out for. To move toward realize your vision, you must understand the legacy you carry. How will you keep what’s positive and stop unhealthy intergenerational cycles? Establish a ritual dad time. One great way to make sure you’re spending quality time with your child regularly is to create a Ritual Dad Time. This in no way should replace daily family rituals like sharing meals, walking to school, reading at night, etc. Rather, this is a special, once per month, one-on-one time with dad. Think of it as the father-child equivalent of a couple’s “date-night.” Know your children.Dads today should strive to be experts about their kids - everything form their daily schedule, to the best way to get them to sleep, to what trends are popular with their age group. This sends kids a clear message that they are important and in the process deepens your bond. Beyond focus and attention, knowing requires being a skilled listener and resisting the urge to fix, lecture, or give unsolicited advice. Be known by your children. Tell stories about yourself when you were your child’s age. Think of the pressures you faced, what you did for fun, challenges you overcame, who you had a crush on, etc. Letting your children know more about what you think and feel on a regular basis is essential to building a healthy connection. The great news is that being an involved dad brings a wealth of riches–to kids, to moms, and most especially to the dads themselves. The bad news is that modern dads have a lack of role models, mostly inflexible workplaces, and relatively few parenting resources. In other words, most dads are, for better and for worse, creating and shaping this new role on the fly. No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, ‘man the breadwinner/woman the caretaker,’ modern dads today have an unprecedented opportunity to redefine a more involved and healthier version of fatherhood for generations to come. The question is whether or not we–and here I’m speaking to both moms and dads–will seize this opportunity. Modern moms can have a tremendous influence on how this next chapter of fatherhood plays out. The chances of a dad succeeding at being highly involved in his kids’ lives are much better if his wife, partner, or co-parent is behind the mission. Here are some things moms might consider to support men being the best dads they can be: Understand the legacy of your own father. Your expectations for how your husband, partner or co-parent fathers are influenced to a large degree by the father you grew up with (or without). Simple as it may sound, try to stay aware of the fact that he is not your father, for better and for worse. This requires some understanding on your part about what you got and didn’t get from your own father. Speak up for what you want. If dad isn’t living up to certain realistic expectations, put it on the table in a healthy way. Instead of complaining, or just angrily doing something yourself, you can say, ‘It’s really important to me that you spend more time with our children or that you share in the discipline.’ Treat parenting issues as you would any other issue in a relationship; ask for what you want, be reasonable, negotiate, and don’t play it all out in front of the kids. If you are truly unsatisfied with what you get, don’t pretend everything’s fine; resentment corrodes relationships. Get outside support if necessary. Encourage Competence. Far too few men were raised with the idea that nurturing and caretaking are essential qualities of any male, let alone that he should be preparing for fatherhood. The first baby many men today hold in their arms is his own newborn. When dads are sidelined or considered less competent–whether in caring for a newborn or in making important child care decisions–an unhealthy cycle often occurs. Mom does more, feels confident as a parent, but eventually becomes resentful and overburdened. Dad does less, feels less competent as a parent, and eventually feels resentful at being left out. Value The Father-Child Bond. Dads need to be encouraged–or as sometimes is the case, reminded–to make time to build his own unique relationship with his children. The research is clear: a close, emotionally connected dad-child relationship is a form of risk prevention and source of health and happiness for children, dads and families. Renowned researcher John Gottman found that children with emotionally available dads do better in school, have better peer relationships, and relate better with teachers than children with more emotionally distant dads. In my work with dads, I always emphasize that we as men must take responsibility for realizing a new vision of fatherhood. Our children depend on it and the women in our lives deserve it, and we, as men, need it. Women have traveled a great distance on the road from home to the world of work. They are not turning around. Now is the time for dads to ask more of ourselves, as well. Being a father is not something you are; it’s something you do. By showing up for our children and partners, learning new skills, building support networks, and measuring success by the quality and health of our relationships, modern dads have only just set out on the road leading back home. Together we will find our way.

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